Archie's Proposal - What's GOING to happen

Friday, May 29, 2009


Everybody's talking about this, I know, but, being a MASSIVE Archie Comics fan, I have to put my two cents in. I know it's shocking, because we all wanted wholesome Betty to win Archie's heart in the end. But really? I think it's a good thing. For all the characters. Here's what I see in their futures:

1) Betty - will FINALLY move out of Riverdale. She'll ace the bar exam and become a successful human rights attorney, providing necessary pro bono services for immigrants seeking refugee status in the United States. She'll volunteer at a animal shelter on the weekends and will eventually come up with a cure for Kitty-AIDS. She'll take several lovers, men and women, all of who will expose her to a world of emotions and pleasure she would have never imagined...however, a certain emptiness will still plague her. Years later the phone will ring in the early morning and her mother will give her the sad news that her father has had a heart-attack and died. She'll return to Riverdale for his funeral...

2) Archie - will marry Veronica in a lavish wedding, paid for of course by Veronica's father, Mr. Lodge, who continues to dislike Archie even after he becomes his son-in-law. Archie will buy Pops Soda Shop after Pops' family can no longer maintain the mortgage (not to mention Pops massive gambling debts) after Pops' dies of testicular cancer. The soda shop business will be slow, and Veronica will be unhappy with Archie owning the "blue-collar" business. However business quickly picks up when Archie installs wireless Internet and offers students low-carb snacks and protein shakes on the menu instead of sugary sodas and milkshakes that once made Pops THE place to be. Archie's lust for Veronica, years after their wedding, will wean because of complications in their marriage. Upon news of the passing of Betty's father, he feels a pang of regret that only comes from past mistakes...

3) Veronica - will struggle to manage her love for Archie and the pressures of class set-forth by her family. She'll support Archie's purchase of the malt shop initially, but then feel the sting of failure as he serves coffee to bratty teens to make a living. She'll attempt (with help from a down payment from her father) to start a clothing line, for full figured women, after she develops thyroid issues that have her forty pounds heavier than ten years prior. The clothing line flops. Archie will impress upon her his want for children, but she'll feel unsure. After only a month of trying, they'll discover that she has a tilted uterus unsuitable for conception. She'll be secretly relieved. Two months before news of the death of Betty's father, her mother will also die, of heart disease. Going through her mother's stuff, Veronica will find a box with various photos of her as a child, including one particularly beautiful one of her and Betty as infants, sitting side by side, in a field of daisies...

4) Jughead - will travel the world, both for business and pleasure, working as a product taster and purchaser for Kashi whole foods. His penchant for burgers will weaken when he sees the decimation of the rainforest for Mcdonald's grade F cattle farming. He will become one of the world's leading food anthropologists, writing several books on the subject of human sexual desire in relationship to ones love of food. He will remain trim, and his grey felt crown will become the beacon of healthy living. He'll return to Riverdale once a year at Christmas to visit his mother (his father, long passed) and will stop by Archie's cafe, although things will never quite be the same as they were before he married Veronica. He'll still remember that night, with lust heavy in his heart, the night after their wedding when he held Betty in his arms finally, the night she was finally his. He'll return to Riverdale to attend Mr. Cooper's funeral, full of nerves...

5) Reggie - will move to Vegas and open the first swim up massage parlor in North America. He'll become very rich, but soon blow his money investing in a pyramid scheme selling shoddy pig feed to ignorant farmers. Legal fees will drown him. His empire will crumble. He'll be arrested for illicit sex with a transsexual hooker. He'll spend a year in jail for petty theft after stealing chips from a couple from Seattle on the strip. After jail— 30 pounds heavier and bald— he'll be released into a parole home where he will meet John, a reformed biker, who will become the love of his life. Two years later they'll tour the country and be brutally beaten in a park in Texas by a gang of teenagers unhappy with their public displays of affection. Both will come out bruised, but their love will be unbroken. Several weeks later, his arm still encased in plaster, Reggie will learn of Betty's father's death and decide it's time to merge his new life with his past...


At the funeral:

Betty sits beside her mother in front of her father's casket as Veronica, Archie and Mr. Lodge enter. Her heart flutters but sinks at the sight of Archie, looking pretty much the same with his checkerboard red head and freckles, minus his usual toothy grin. His face is thinner, paler and his statue is stooped. Veronica is heavier, maybe even fat, but she still walks with an air of importance clashing with her now frumpy stature. Mr. Lodge is also older looking, however still stands upright, his hair slightly thinner but his mustache still as full and bristly as ever.

Archie sees Betty and his heart pounds. She looks more statuesque than before, but still with the same golden hair and bright eyes.

Jughead also enters the room and his eyes immediately go to Betty. It is impossible for them not to. He straightens his hat and walks over. She looks over at him and smiles, it's a knowing smile, one filled with kindness and friendship. He wishes it said more.

The group— Betty, Archie, Veronica, Jughead— stand a chat nervously. Mr. Lodge and Mrs. Cooper stand aside, whispering. They hug and both nod towards Betty and agree that it is time.

Reggie enters with John in hand. The group, noticing his arrival with his friend, are shocked and it is Betty and Jughead who embrace him and happily introduce themselves to John first. Archie, hesitantly, shakes Reggie and John's hand while Veronica, gobsmacked, saunters off towards the buffet table in the corner before introductions can be made.

Mr. Lodge and Mrs. Cooper pull Betty aside and tell her what has so long been their secret. One not shared with either Mrs. Lodge, Veronica, Mr. Cooper or anyone in Riverdale...with the exception of Mr. Weatherbee, Mr. Lodge's oldest companion.

Betty is actually the daughter of Mr. Lodge, the product of an affair between her mother and Veronica's mother long ago. Betty is shocked, as is Veronica, who overhears the conversation and drops the tiny sandwich in her hand onto the carpet.

All these years, Betty's mother and Mr. Lodge had done their best to keep Betty and Veronica apart so that no one would guess their likeness. Archie happened to be a happy accident, providing the perfect wedge in the closeness of their relationship.

Betty is visibly devastated and drops to the ground. By now, Veronica (also shaken) has spread news of this to the whole room (due in part to Archie's total lack of discretion). They all stare at Betty sobbing on the floor...all except Jughead, who comes forward, gently picks her up and takes her outside for air.

On the steps of the building the wind is cool, it calms the redness of Betty's face, the face that Jughead tries desperately not to stare at. She catches him looking at her and laughs. "I must look a mess" she says, pulling her bangs out of her eyes. "You never look a mess," says Jughead, "you never have and never will." Betty's heart pumps harder in her chest. She feels exhilarated, and a sense of recognition of something comfortable and warming surfaces from deep within her. Jughead watches her face closely and sees her soften. He pulls her closer to him...

...Archie is standing at the door staring outside. He'd run to find Betty, to tell her once and for all that SHE should have been his wife. That he was a fool to not choose her! But now he stands paralized. He doesn't go outside. He stands and stares at Betty, his best girl, locked in a passionate kiss with Jughead, his oldest friend.



Woooooooooooo! DRA-Ma, folks!
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The Gambler

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Every Sunday night when I was a kid I remember sitting on the brown carpet in front of my grandparents old TV, which only ever got two channels, one of which was the CBC, to watch what I still consider some of the most creative television ever produced.

My brother and I would watch The Raccoons, Fraggle Rock and of course The Muppet Show. The Muppet Show was my favourite show of all time and essentially did what all modern kids movies are doing today: it appealed to both kids and their parents. It was full of innuendo and saltiness; puppets smoked, drank, and even acted a little stoned at times.

There were so many great skits;
Muppet News Flash (my favourite), At the dance (which always featured the same song), Sweedish Chef, Pigs in Space!, Muppet Labs (with Bunsen and Beaker), Fozzie's Act, Statler and Waldorf (the hecklers, my brother's favourite) and Bear on Patrol. Plus the backstage parts.

It was also completely absurd, full of slapstick and parodied some of the funniest moments/songs in history. It also boasted THE biggest roster of celebrity guests.

BUT! Jim Henson's puppets, although funny and quirky, were also at times quite beautiful.

Here is one of my favourite clips.

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Lego of what you think you know...about sculpture!

Monday, May 25, 2009

After such a positive response from my random Google find of the Lego Stephen Hawking sculpture, I thought I'd post a couple more Lego sculptures for you all to ogle.


This one is my favourite...

I would expect, if I were made out of yellow Lego blocks, that my insides would be yellow too. Kids everywhere are crying over what you have done to their (once) favourite toy.

Mmmm, crunchy!


What' s the key for? And they attacking his heart next??

And for only $60,000 you can have a Lego doppelganger made too!


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Invisibles

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Just got off the subway with Ciaran, which was mostly packed but for the odd open seat.

Me: I'm always afraid I'll sit on someone invisible, aren't you?
Ciaran: Oh I've sat on invisible people before.
Me: Oh really? What did they say?
Ciaran: Nothing.
Me: But, you could see them right?
Ciaran: No.
Me: Oh, right.
Ciaran: Mmmhummm.

(a few moments of silence)

Me: (sighing) Y'know, some people think unicorns went extinct but they didn't, they're just invisible.

In other news...have you seen the Skinny Cow (ice cream company) commercials? The one featuring an actual cartoon skinny cow at the end? Ew. Ew for two reasons: 1) It's malnourished livestock! 2) overtly literal advertising makes me sick.




Ew.
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Further on the Muffin Top(ic)

Saturday, May 23, 2009


I saw this ad in the subway the other day and it pissed me off. I've spoken about muffin top issues before. You know why it bugs me? It's saying "get rid of muffin tops with our jeans" AND also saying "muffin tops are food not a part of the body."

"I don't like your use of a beloved food to sell jeans" I said, out loud to myself, "I shall take you up on your no-muffin-top challenge Reitmans!"

It also reminded me of a great quote my friend Trevor once said to me. That the top is the best part of the muffin. That is my mantra now when I go to try on pants.

More on this fascinating subject to come after I try on said "no muffin top" jeans.
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Futility

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I took this picture a couple of weeks ago while I was waiting to fight a traffic ticket downtown. I arrived at the first window and a woman gave me forms to fill out, not explaining WHAT SO EVER what each area actually meant. I did my best with the form, which was difficult to understand, because while, for example, it said "pleading guilty with an explanation" on my ticket, the form options were "request a trial" and something like "request a trial where a lawyer stands in for you" and "deny the trial and pay the fine" and "request a trial date with a lawyer." I was baffled. And afraid to check the wrong box. So I left it blank and waited for the next woman at the NEXT window to aid me.

Here's how that went.

Me: Hi (sliding form under the partition)
Woman: (looking at it briefly) You didn't check a box.
Me: I know, I wasn't exactly sure which one to check.
Woman: Well can you read?
Me: Um, yes. I can read. But it is unclear....um, to me.
Woman: (sighs loudly)

I should have said, "No, I can't read....sorry." That would have been awesome.

Anyway, after that I walked through a metal detector and into another waiting area where I waited for TWO HOURS until, at TOTAL random, a woman came out, called my name, brought me into another room for two seconds and said, "Okay Kimberley, the charges are dropped. You can go."

Now. Take another look at the chair picture at the beginning of this post. See? Futility. It's everywhere! It's in the nannys and parents who gunk up the sidewalk in front of Chapters every morning waiting for it to open, often at times REFUSING TO MOVE OUT OF THE WAY EVEN A LITTLE for people to walk by.



It's in useless flags, like the one below that I snapped a picture of during the showing of a house.


What is or was this flag for? Was it to wave during the papal visit? I just imagine this little old lady waving her flag in the crowd screaming "I love you John Paul!" and possibly fainting like a Beatles fan circa 1965.

Or what about this? Another photo taken in another house that had more plants in it than I've ever seen in my LIFE.


Why not just live outside? Seriously? This photo makes this place look kind cool, but I'm telling you: It was a jungle in there.

This is the nature of futility. It has a certain amount of objectivity to it. Take for example, again, the chair picture at the very beginning of this post. I kept staring and staring at it. It infuriated me! So entirely pointless! But..........then this guy came along and sat in the chair beside it and comfortably put his back pack onto the futile chair while the rest of us had our purses and briefcases and such on the floor.

Not so futile any more.
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Walking

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I've taken to walking a lot lately. Especially in the evening. That's what spring is all about. I've found a strange comfort in walking with my hands clasped behind my back, staring up into the branches of the trees like an old woman. A big change from my usual walk; hands stuffed into pockets, head straight forward like a charging bull. In my new stance, I pay much less attention to the actual movement of my legs. It's not like when I'm running late and my thighs feel like logs that I can never move fast enough.

All this is to say....get out and enjoy Toronto right now. It is, in my opinion, the very best time to be here.

In other news....Gray Line tour buses, these old school buses, have been popping up around the city. Anyone know what the story is with these?



Also, when I was in this awful mall a while back I took this picture....

...which reminded me of a previous post, which I looked up and was shocked to read was from 2004! How long have I been writing this blog?? A long time, apparently.

But! This time of year also reminds me of Simon and Garfunkel. Poke fun if you will....but I love them. They are my childhood. So enjoy.

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I bless the rains up in Ottawa....

Monday, May 11, 2009



Yep. A lyric from a Toto song. This is how I begin to tell you that we are now, definitely, moving to Ottawa because we bought a house. Excitement and nervousness abound! A new city. A smaller city. A pretty city. But...lots of jitters. When we were searching around looking at places I broke out into hives on my arm. Did you know that anxiety causes histamine levels in your body to increase? Well now you know. Same thing happened when we moved to Vancouver and when we decided to move to Toronto. I figure we'll just keep trying on Canadian cities until one of them fits. I have a good feeling this time.
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Dogs With Wigs

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm in Ottawa right now, and there is so much more I could write about....but, I'll tell you later.

However, I just HAD to share my newest and more favouritest thing to google on Google images. Dogs with wigs.
Ab-solutely. Ridiculously. Funny.

Here are some highlights:

The Sarah Palin

The Andy Warhol


The Buffalo Soldier


The Tiny Tim

The High School Principal

All I can say is....you're welcome.
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May!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hey guys! May is here and it's rocking me like a hurricane.

Can't get enough of my brilliance? Want to see where the action happens? Check out a picture of my desk on Sitting Pretty Magazine, a fabulous website put together by the fabulous Paul A. Toth that features the fabulous work spaces of writers. Um, fabulous? Yes.

Now. Go outside and play.
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