[Insert Animal Name Here] Flu

We've survived bird flu and now we're on to swine flu, but I feel it's my responsibility to let you know about the other deadly animal flu virus out there that could, at this very moment, be pooping in your own backyard.

I'm talking about Shih Tzu flu.

Sure, it sounds cute, what with the rhyming and all, but do not be deceived, it is even more deadly than swine flu.

Shih Tzu flu is transmitted to humans via tiny floating germs omitted from the Shih Tzu's fluff. These deadly bubbles are cloaked in adorableness, thus making them irresitable to humans. Shih Tzu flu enters a human's system in a similar fashion to how vitamin D and essential amino acids are absorbed into the skin via expensive skin creams. That is to say, no one really knows the secrets of this deadly magic.

Early symptoms include; violent nasal drip, eerie-spleen, eyelid tenderness and unresponsiveness to someone saying your name. Late symptoms include; vomiting (specifically projectile), swollen bellybutton syndrome (SBS), eyebrow itch and stage 4 Hulk-ism (greening of the skin, sudden muscular growth and spontaneous clothing ripping).

Is your fluffy puppy putting you at risk? You betcha.

Protection is the only prevention when it comes to Shih Tzu flu. Such precautions include:

- never EVER looking the flu-infected animal right in the eye
- never brushing, washing or licking the hair of the infected animal
- never speaking of the infected animal even if he/she is in another room and you think they can't hear you. FYI - They can. The flu gives them super-hearing.


Q&A - Shih Tzu flu

I suspect my Shih Tzu is carrying the Shih Tzu flu, should I have her put down?

Absolutly. The sooner the better.

But I LOVE my dog! How can I say goodbye just like that?!

In that case, try coaxing the dog into a hermetically sealed bubble, thus creating an airtight seal between yourself and the dog that will allow you to enjoy the dog during its last hours.

How far is the Shih Tzu flu expected to spread?

Like, very very VERY far. Some say it may even find its way into outer space, killing every living thing in its path.

Should I avoid eating Shih Tzu meat during this time?

I suggest avoid eating ANY dog meats while the pandemic is on high alert (just to be sure).

I own (another type of dog) that has been looking at me strangely lately. I can't quite put my finger on it. Could it be the flu?

A couple of things to consider: Do your animal's eyes follow you around the room like a creepy museum painting? Does your animal bark? Does it get overly excited at the sight of a specific toy or leash? These are all tell-tale signs of the flu. Unless your dog isn't a Shih Tzu. Then it's probably fine.

Does a vaccine exist?

Unfortunately a vaccine does not currently exist as the vaccine must be created in the animals native country, which for a Shih Tzu is Tibet.

Can it be treated at all?

Yes. It can.


But.......next week! I'll tell you about the even DEADLIER flu that haunts us from beyond the grave. Velociraptor flu. They're back, and ready to make us extinct too.

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Magically Yours,

We've been looking for ceremony musicians for the wedding. Here's an email I got the other day.....


Email:

Hi names Dan. I am a violinist and I am 29 years old. I have been playing the violin since the age of 4 so I have been playing for 25 years. I have lots of songs that are great to use at weddings. You may contact me at 905 513 6422 if you are interested in having g me play at the wedding.

Magically Yours,

Dan

Me:

Hi Daniel,

Do you have any clips of your music we could listen to?

Thanks,

Kim


Email:

No sorry I do not have any clips. If hired I will be given a ride by my dad would he be able to stay for the wedding so he can drive me back afterwards?


Me:

Hi Daniel,

Sorry....we aren't hiring people who don't have clips.

Good luck,

Kim



RULE NUMBER 1 KIDS! When you're inquiring about a gig? Don't mention your dad.

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To Build a Home

Hello! Good-ness....it feels as if time has been flying at some alarming speed lately. The other morning I actually looked out my window and wondered what that green thing was lining the pathway. IT WAS THE NEW BUDS on the brown husk that is the bushes that line the pathway. Spring is here.

So. Big news around these parts is that we're moving to Ottawa. We're also planning/trying to buy a home when we go rather than renting. A move, plus buying our first home, plus planning a wedding has me going a little bat-shit. But that's okay. I'm a high-functioning anxiety-aholic. Ummmhummm.

In other news....I saw my neighbour kicking a squirrel the other day in his backyard. From my office view I can see right into their backyard. From what I saw the squirrel was nibbling away on some plants my neighbour has in the backyard and my neighbour (a bald, squinty-eyed man who I thought was very friendly) and baldy ran at the squirrel (which looked quite young) and actually hoofed it into the air and then the squirrel was almost trapped in the vines or something and baldy kept kicking at it. I ducked down so he wouldn't see me (baldy) but I think he might have. The squirrel got away, but it was limping along the fence.

It was......very disturbing. I can't bring myself to have a conversation with the man now when I see him outside, whereas before the conversation was quite congenial. Now... the whole thing is seriously creepy......

In other news....we went and saw my grandparents on Saturday. It was so warm, I rocked my sandals.

Grandma: (looking at my bare feet) You have long toes!
Me: I know. (sort of curling them up, trying to cover them from conversation)
Grandma: (still inspecting) Oh and you've got a club toe. Your big toe is shaped like a club.
Me: It is?
Grandma: Yep. I have it too. (takes off her shoes and socks and shows me her FEET which are so........old and pointed and gnarly). See?
Me: I see.....(trying not to look too much)
Grandma: Yep. You'll end up with feet like mine.
Me: Oh....

After such unpleasantness, here is a nice song....

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Slanket/Snuggie

I figure you've all heard of this? If not, be prepared to be AMAZED. A blanket with sleeves. Sure, it sounds stupid, but really, when they show you all the activities you can do while wearing it? (e.g. play backgammon) It's amazing.




Plus, last night I was trying to read and really? My arms were cold. It's true. It was featured last night on 30 Rock. Therefore, it must be cool.

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Super Pug

Yet another photo I found when I googled "ridiculous" under images. You. Are. Welcome.

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Bacon Hitler

Another ridiculous photo....this one sent to me from Jason. Happy Earth day everyone! Let's try and make it meatless!

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Lego Stephen Hawking

I found this picture when I googled the word ridiculous (I always forget how to spell it) and then decided to hit the IMAGES button just for S&Gs. More "ridiculous" pictures to come...

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Eggs (Fertile and Creme)

I'll just jump right into it. I've been volunteering at a boys and girls club here in Toronto for a couple weeks, Monday nights I'm part of Vibrant Voices, a radio program for youth, by youth, but with extra help from "adults" such as myself. It's awesome. I love it. But....it makes me feel a) super uncool b) old c) uncool again d) uncool and e) very nervous. Today the program was on teen pregnancy and I really didn't want to say the wrong thing BUT I also didn't want to say anything. So. I did my best. And, I was pretty good, I think. Not cool, but still. The only bad part? When I said "leaking" in reference to lactating. Not a high point.

It's just, you ever get into one of those situations where you get so nervous that you become suddenly VERY aware that you are in fact talking? And you become so self aware of your talking that you completely lose the ability to conjure any type of vocabulary and/or pronunciation and/or thought? No? Well, it's called self absorbed anxiety, folks... and mumma's got a bad case of it.

Anyhoo, Easter was a good one this year. Lots of chocolate. Especially the Cadbury Creme Eggs (I believe I've talked about these before). Let me just say, the Cadbury Twisted Creme Bar? Not worth it. It lacks the overwhelming girth of creme.

Man. That sounded gross.

But, every year the eggs get smaller. I swear. Don't believe me. Check out the clip below.

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REWIND: How'd You Get That Shiner?

Several years ago I got a black eye. It happened quite unexpectedly and freakish-ly when I fainted in the doorway of my (then) bathroom and whacked it on a glass doorknob on the way down. An ambulance was called, my roommate thought I was dead, I threw up on myself...sigh, good times.

The other night I was out with my very best-est friend Jen and we were talking about how crazy my eye looked. I had to walk around campus for two weeks with a black/blue/purple/green/yellow eye. It was also crazy watching people trying not to ask about it or people who would ask about it and think I was being abused by my boyfriend or something (if you met him, you'd realize how bizarre a notion that is). So, I wrote a piece for the website Yankee Pot Roast, which I am happy to say is still thriving down there in the U.S of A after all these years. It was in their now, I believe, defunct "soapbox" section. You can read it here.

I also asked Jen whether or not she remembered me telling her what the doctor told me while he stitched up my eye. She did.

First of all, I'll preface this by saying that I talk TO EVERYONE. I am curious by nature about people. This can sometimes work to my disadvantage, but mostly? It works to my advantage. I was once caught drinking in public by a disgruntled cop and whilst in the back of his squad car getting the ticket, I chatted so openly with him, asking questions about the paperwork required when he pulls out his gun, etc. etc., that by the end of the conversation he was happily showing me exactly where in the extremely fine print of my ticket I could just "show up" to get the fine lowered.

I like to ask people questions, especially about their professions. So, when this doctor had to stitch up my eye I asked him what was the craziest thing he ever saw. He was baffled. Apparently he'd seen a lot of craziness. I got more specific. "What's the craziest eye thing you've ever seen?" He told me that he once had to remove a guy's eye because he decided to tie a knife to the end of an arrow...an arrow that was sitting cocked and ready to fire in the bow. And so, one slip of the wrist and BAM, the guy shot not only an ARROW but an ARROW WITH A KNIFE ATTACHED TO IT into his eye.

Best story ever.
And with that? I sleep.

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Loonies From Heaven

Have you seen these crazy ads in Dundas station? They're massive posters of coins. Coins, coins and more coins.

The first thing I thought when I saw them?

Man, these ads would drive me nuts if I was homeless.

Which really, the more I stared at the ads, seemed to make sense. You just want to grab the coins! And yet, you can't. It's like when people in high school used to super glue loonies to the floor just to watch people try and pry them up.

Anyway, the ads are for the new Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, which I'm surprised they're only bringing out now, since we've been hearing about the 2010 winter games since 1987.

But actually, the ads are even worse when you think about all the anti-poverty protests that went on in Vancouver surrounding the city's bid. It's like the Vancouver Olympic committee is spitting in the face of Vancouver's homeless (although, to be fair, it probably usually goes the other way). It's like they're saying, "Guess what? Not only are we spending millions of dollars on the Olympics instead of on you, but we're also printing special money about the Olympics that you are also not entitled to."

Seriously. Go there and stare at one of the posters. It'll make you feel ill with greed.

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Body Image

This poster, hanging in my doctor's office, is particularly chilling to me, because I have stomach problems. So every time I go and visit Dr. Fitzsimons (or "Fitzy" as I call him), I pray that I won't end up in room 3, the one with the "Diseases of the Gastrointestinal System" poster.
P.S. the poster is brought you by Pariet (a drug I've been on before).

In other body related news...I went jeans shopping on a whim the other day. It was...unfortunate. I know I'm going to sound old here...but everything is super low cut, and I am not a fan of muffin top, which even though I only weight 130 lbs. apparently occurs every time I wear low slung jeans. I'm not looking for granny jeans, just a regular-ish rise. And I will not apologize for that.

And yet...

I went to Lucky Brand Jeans because I heard that they had a good selection. The young woman helping me was no help at all. She gave me a pair with a fly only an inch long, so, of course, muffin top ensued.

Me: Yeah...there's definate muffin top.
Girl: Yeah, but really? Muffin top goes away.
Me: Wha? How's that?
Girl: You have to remember that the jeans will stretch and then you can just belt them higher up.
Me: But then the jeans will be riding up my crotch!
Girl: (shrugs)
Me: Let me try another pair.

I try on another pair.

Girl: Those ones look hot.
Me: Yeah.......(huge muffin top)....no, they don't.
Girl: I know you don't believe me hon (this girl is about 6 years younger than me), but I've been doing in this business for two years and the muffin top will go away.
Me: (pissed) Well I've been in this body for 28 years, and unless I start starving myself? The muffin top isn't going anywhere in a pair of jeans like this.

She recommended I try Aritzia. Which I did. I was in the change room and just happened to glance at the price tag on one of the pairs. $230! I left. I........just can't spend $230 on jeans right now....or dare I say, EVER?! We're in a recession and I'm a fucking WRITER for crying out loud!

Next I went to Tristan, which is a little more grown-up. A flamboyant gay man "helped" me out, but I had the opposite problem here. All the jeans made me look like an old lady. Plus the flamboyant gay man kept calling me "dah-ling". It was unnerving.

Me: Can you think of any other place I can go to get jeans that don't cause muffin top?
Guy: I'd try Suzy Shier. They have these jeans up there that have a stretchy waist band (!)...
Me: (bewildered) Like, maternity pants?!
Guy: Yeah.... They're super comfy!

Needless to say, I did not go up to Suzy Shier. I checked out the Gap and Old Navy and found a few maybes, but by that time I was really tired and just wanted to go home and curl into a ball. But I didn't.
I went and got a smoothie.
And went outside and enjoyed the day.
And thought about the insides of my body, which were feeling pretty good, and less about the outside of my body.

P.s. I also took a picture of these really creepy mannequins at Old Navy. Apparently headless babies come from headless mommies.

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Memories in Colour

Had a great little lunch with my friend Carla yesterday and on my way home, walking up Dufferin street, I came across this beat up cupboard on the side of the road. Crazy thing is that it's the exact colour of the side screen porch that was once part of my cottage. I loved that porch. I remember being really young, sitting cross-legged in the corner, reading on a hot day and the feel of the breeze as it hit the back of my neck. Even the peeling-ness of the paint had me feeling nostalgic— the paint on the porch was also peeling because it was thirty years old when my parents tore it down. But that mint-green-blue colour? It just reminds me of that time.

In other news...I got new shoes yesterday, for $20! I'm hoping I don't hate them in a couple weeks. Does anyone else do this? Try shoes on and love them in the store and then, within a couple weeks, hate them? It's happened to me a few times, but of course I continue to wear the shoes because I don't have money for new ones/I think it's wasteful to buy new ones.

Anyway. I'll keep you posted on this FASCINATING news...

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