I'm talking about Shih Tzu flu.
Sure, it sounds cute, what with the rhyming and all, but do not be deceived, it is even more deadly than swine flu.
Shih Tzu flu is transmitted to humans via tiny floating germs omitted from the Shih Tzu's fluff. These deadly bubbles are cloaked in adorableness, thus making them irresitable to humans. Shih Tzu flu enters a human's system in a similar fashion to how vitamin D and essential amino acids are absorbed into the skin via expensive skin creams. That is to say, no one really knows the secrets of this deadly magic.
Early symptoms include; violent nasal drip, eerie-spleen, eyelid tenderness and unresponsiveness to someone saying your name. Late symptoms include; vomiting (specifically projectile), swollen bellybutton syndrome (SBS), eyebrow itch and stage 4 Hulk-ism (greening of the skin, sudden muscular growth and spontaneous clothing ripping).
Is your fluffy puppy putting you at risk? You betcha. Protection is the only prevention when it comes to Shih Tzu flu. Such precautions include:
- never EVER looking the flu-infected animal right in the eye
- never brushing, washing or licking the hair of the infected animal
- never speaking of the infected animal even if he/she is in another room and you think they can't hear you. FYI - They can. The flu gives them super-hearing.
Q&A - Shih Tzu flu
I suspect my Shih Tzu is carrying the Shih Tzu flu, should I have her put down?
Absolutly. The sooner the better.
But I LOVE my dog! How can I say goodbye just like that?!
In that case, try coaxing the dog into a hermetically sealed bubble, thus creating an airtight seal between yourself and the dog that will allow you to enjoy the dog during its last hours.
How far is the Shih Tzu flu expected to spread?
Like, very very VERY far. Some say it may even find its way into outer space, killing every living thing in its path.
Should I avoid eating Shih Tzu meat during this time?
I suggest avoid eating ANY dog meats while the pandemic is on high alert (just to be sure).
I own (another type of dog) that has been looking at me strangely lately. I can't quite put my finger on it. Could it be the flu?
A couple of things to consider: Do your animal's eyes follow you around the room like a creepy museum painting? Does your animal bark? Does it get overly excited at the sight of a specific toy or leash? These are all tell-tale signs of the flu. Unless your dog isn't a Shih Tzu. Then it's probably fine.
Does a vaccine exist?
Unfortunately a vaccine does not currently exist as the vaccine must be created in the animals native country, which for a Shih Tzu is Tibet.
Can it be treated at all?
Yes. It can.
But.......next week! I'll tell you about the even DEADLIER flu that haunts us from beyond the grave. Velociraptor flu. They're back, and ready to make us extinct too.
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