Eat My Shorts (and let me save your species!)

I went to Lululemon today to exchange a pair of pants my tutor students (whom I love and miss already) gave me as a going away present. (I tried them on, and I thought they were okay, but they were a bit big). Anyway, it turns out the pants were like ninety-eight dollars. Which freaked me out when the cashier said it. I thought I’d try to exchange the gift, rather than take the money, so I tried on some stuff but everything seemed to pinch me (and consequently create bulges) around various points on my body. So I gave up. But the staff said, “No refund”, so I pouted.  But then they said if I wanted they could give it to me as a gift card and I could check out “their sister store" Oqoqo (Oh-ko-ko) a block away.

Oqoqo turned out to be almost as expensive as Lulu but way cooler. They had all kinds of crazy pants made out of alternative fabrics like soy and bamboo which had me daydreaming in the changeroom about whether or not— if traveling deep within the lush forests of northwest China— my bamboo slit pocket Capri pants could prove alluring to a passing panda. Perhaps these pants could earn me a certain trust with the otherwise guarded animals thus allowing me to permeate the pandas precious lairs and gain valuable research to aid in preventing their extinction.

Could I become the Jane Goodall of pandas?

It was not to be.
I didn’t buy any bamboo stuff.
I ended up getting two soy fabric things instead.
And who, you ask, will I attract with soy?
The lactose intolerant.
And who wants to be the Jane Goodall of the lactose intolerant?
Not I, sir.
Not
I.

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The Things I Could Do With My Giant Thumb

- Kill you all at videogames.

- Get across the country via hitch-hiking faster than any other regular-sized thumbed person.

- Kick all of your thumbs asses in a wrestling match.

- Encourage youth to stay off of drugs.

- Win an election.

- Express my distaste for Kool-Aid.

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Nobody Puts Baby In A Sandwhich

Hey all.

I’m going to try to update Piece
more often, I may even try posting DAILY (gasp!). “Never,” you say,
"It's not possible"? Yes. I. Can. However the content may lack, like so
much summertime network reality TV. Like that TV show that’s on right
now about people who are pirates? I dunno much about it, but I think
they’re stranded on a pirate ship? And if they last the longest they
get the “booty”? Ugh. You just know there’s going to be all kinds of
annoying pirate lingo going on. Avast! Ahoy!

Ewwwwww.



[Now let’s see……things to write about…things…things…thin--]


Oh!
The other day (actually it was weeks ago, but you don’t need to know
that) Ciaran and I were talking about tasty babies. Now, I
should explain. Originally, whether it was Ciaran or me, one of us*
came up with the expression “tasty babies” to describe things that are
very very tasty. It also came to be a term of endearment between the
two of us, like “Ciaran, you are my tasty baby.” Anyway. I think the
whole tasty baby thing for me comes from seeing such cute babies and
just wanting to EAT them because they are so cute. So they other night
when I said “tasty babies” Ciaran and I actually started riffing about
the best ways to cook babies.


The Tasty Baby Menu



Appetizers

Fetus Fajitas

Tot Hot Pot



Main

Pasta alla Bambino

Sprog’s Legs with Baby Gravy and Children Of The Corn On The Cob



Dessert

Strawberries and Whipped Preem (ie)



Of course all recipes would be taken from The Bundle of Joy (of Cooking) recipe book and any post meal tummy aches would be cured with Infant-acid.


He he he.











*It could’ve also been my friend Claire who came up with “tasty babies”

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Picks for Summer 2007

Lime Infused Perrier

Okay yes, I’ve been drinking this since Christmas, but only as the heat began to rise did my level of consumption become astronomical. I had zero expectations when my friend Jen first offered me a glass, because I HATE regular fizzy water of any kind, but the lime! It changed everything. It is by far the most refreshing drink on the planet.

Note: Don’t get the Lemon Infused Perrier. I know I know, what’s one citrus from another? Trust me. It tastes like kitchen cleaners smell.


Baby Cucumbers

Much crunchier than regular cukes, these little babies last much longer in the fridge. Try them with some basil and some vinegar, a little olive oil, sliced tomatoes, salt and pepper and you got yourself a super salad.

Note: Not ideal for people who like to take the skin off their cucumbers, with the baby cukes you’ll have nothing left if you do this.


Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

This album is lovely, especially if you like soul sound but with more morbid lyrics. Like The Ronettes except if like, Ronnie Spector had have been really writing songs about life with her (then) husband.

Note: The dance factor is high on this album so make sure the blinds are closed before post shower boogying begins.


Mojitos

Another lime and fizzy water drink except this one is deliciously paired with copious amounts of mint and of course, rum. Not too sweet like all those other summer drinks (your dentist would approve), I'm rating it "the second most refreshing drink on the planet".

Note: I suggest sweetening with sugarcane syrup rather than regular sugar. It just melts better and is less….potently wrong?


McSweeney’s

One of the most impressive independent literary forces out there, McSweeney’s has fallen on hard times as of late. Really, if you haven’t heard of McSweeney’s, either their Internet Tendency or their fantastic Quarterly you’ve been living under a rock. So why don’t you crawl out from under that rock and take advantage of their amazing sale?   

Note: I subscribe to the Believer. It is put out by the same crowd. It is also very very very good.

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Give Generously?

I broke down the other day and tossed a Toonie into the cap of the homeless guy sitting outside Blockbuster. I don’t normally donate money like this for several reasons, one being that some, maybe even several, homeless people don’t always spend their cash wisely (and therefore I would be contributing to some larger problem) and the other being that if I give to the guys in my neighbourhood upon seeing me every time afterwards they will expect money (the very same problem that occurs when you feed strays). Yes I KNOW it isn’t the same, but it sometimes causes the same manipulative results (puppy dog eyes, whimpering/pleading) that lead to feelings of utter guilt (not to mention possible violent outbursts when you say no, much like a bear ransacking a house looking for food you refuse to give).

But I am a loving person (despite having just compared the homeless to bears), a person who believes that people are good and not always what they seem and worthy of help and so when the man asked me in a very gentle voice I made the mistake of making eye contact and the blue of his eyes grabbed me and I said “Okay” and gave a Toonie.

On my way home from my run this morning I saw by my blue eyed Gentle Ben as he was talking on a pay phone outside of Starbucks. As I passed he started screaming into the phone, “YOU FUCKING PRICK COCKSUCKER! NO! IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK! YOU CUNT! YOU FUCKING FUCK!” and then hung up. I sped up slightly so he wouldn’t see me. Looking over my shoulder I heard him turn and ask a man walking by if they had any change. The man obliged.



I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

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Ciaran Spector

It's time for a haircut Ciaran.

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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dino

I told Ciaran last night that they found a big dinosaur in China.

Ciaran: Was he hiding behind a bush?

Me: (laughing).

Ciaran: Were they playing hide and go seek?

Me: Actually yeah. They finally called out Ollie-Ollie-Oxen-Free and he came out. (In dinosaur voice) “Hey guys! I’m here! Did I win?”

Ciaran: (laughing).

Me: (still in dinosaur voice) “Let’s play something else now. Let’s play Red Rover.”

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I Know It’s Uncool To Approach A Celebrity (And Even More Uncool To Blog About It) But WHATEVER.

It was an exciting day yesterday, beautiful sunshine, great company. My brother and his fiancée are visiting from Ontario so we took them to some of our favourite tourist places. First— Grouse Mountain. As we were getting into line there was this really tall man that was getting into line right behind us that I almost ran into. He started talking to the woman he was with and immediately we all turned around to take a second look at him. It was James Cromwell. As in James Cromwell the amazing actor. James Cromwell from: 24, The Queen, The Green Mile, The People vs. Larry Flint, Babe and much more.
We were all star struck and there was a lot of whispering between us when finally, before I could stop myself, I turned to Mr. Cromwell said, “Excuse me. You were on Six Feet Under.” It wasn’t a question, but more of a statement. I felt like a complete idiot. He said, “I don’t know. Was I?” Now I had NO IDEA what to say. He appeared dead serious. So all I said was, “Yes. And you were wonderful on that show. Really.” And then he smiled and said, “Oh well! Then yes! Thank you.” I sighed a huge sigh of relief and reiterated, “really wonderful.” And then Brian and Ciaran started discussing HBO and “finding good TV” with him while I talked to his niece about the weather and Vancouver and other pleasantries. The whole thing lasted about six minutes but seriously! I continued to think about it all day. Actually, I beat myself up all day for saying anything to him. Why would he want to talk to me? All he wants is to have a nice day with his family. But I had to say something for one reason and one reason only— I was obsessed with Six Feet Under and he really was wonderful on that show.

Anyway.  

Grouse Mountain was absolutely beautiful (as always) and we stayed for several hours. On our way back to the city we stopped at the Capilano Suspension Bridge (another fantastic Vancouver tourist stop). Then we had a fantastic dinner at Bin 941 (if anyone in Vancouver is reading this….go there and order the Beef Wellington right now, for breakfast even). THEN! After dinner, we went to the Richmond Night Market which is basically an insane outdoor Asian market with like hundreds of booths set up in a massive parking lot and thousands of people crowded around them buying vintage Nintendo games, fried octopus, bubble tea and bamboo plants. It was so hectic but amazingly different. We felt like we were in a different country. I bought this stuff called Dragon Beard Candy which is pulled sugar (stringy sugar) wrapped around crushed peanuts. Six pieces for $2.50. It was so strange! I liked it, but Brian likened it to eating hair. Extremely sweet hair.

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