Eat My Shorts (and let me save your species!)
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I went to Lululemon today to exchange a pair of pants my tutor students (whom I love and miss already) gave me as a going away present. (I tried them on, and I thought they were okay, but they were a bit big). Anyway, it turns out the pants were like ninety-eight dollars. Which freaked me out when the cashier said it. I thought I’d try to exchange the gift, rather than take the money, so I tried on some stuff but everything seemed to pinch me (and consequently create bulges) around various points on my body. So I gave up. But the staff said, “No refund”, so I pouted. But then they said if I wanted they could give it to me as a gift card and I could check out “their sister store" Oqoqo (Oh-ko-ko) a block away.
Oqoqo turned out to be almost as expensive as Lulu but way cooler. They had all kinds of crazy pants made out of alternative fabrics like soy and bamboo which had me daydreaming in the changeroom about whether or not— if traveling deep within the lush forests of northwest China— my bamboo slit pocket Capri pants could prove alluring to a passing panda. Perhaps these pants could earn me a certain trust with the otherwise guarded animals thus allowing me to permeate the pandas precious lairs and gain valuable research to aid in preventing their extinction.
Could I become the Jane Goodall of pandas?
It was not to be.
I didn’t buy any bamboo stuff.
I ended up getting two soy fabric things instead.
And who, you ask, will I attract with soy?
The lactose intolerant.
And who wants to be the Jane Goodall of the lactose intolerant?
Not I, sir.
Not
I.
5 Comments:
Please...I must ask that you not forget about our vegan brothers and sisters! You will find plenty of them here in the Tdizzle. They will flock to your soy shirts like sheep to uhhh the oposite of slaughter (slaughter is unethical). Anyhow vegans are a lot like pandas. They sit around all day and eat food that is highly indegistable. They wear cool and cute clothes, not fur however. And they have sharp claws and short tempers. While you may not be the Jane Goodal of the Panda world, you could be Jack Hannah who takes these vegans out their natural environment (post retro bars and diners where they can be seen dicscusssing art and what's for supper) and brings them on to live tv shows like Ellen or David Letterman. You may find this to be a lot more rewarding and less dangerous than hanging out for moinths in a stinky jungle!
Is Jack Hannah a vegan, I wonder? Or the Goodall? They must be. Otherwise it would be like eating your friends. Or your co-workers. Or eating or drinking the milk of your friends or co-workers.
Right?
Wouldn't it be just like that?
There's nothing I like more than the milk of my coworkers! Oh sweeeeeeet milk......Yesss.
Stop being coy. You want the soy lovin'. You want it bad. I can feel your soy lust from here. You and your soy trousers. Lording it about town, making those Panda fanciers green with envy. You dirty soy monkey, you.
Debbie Does Vegan? Debbie Does Soy? Vegan Vulgarities?
all possible soy porn movie names.