Dear British Telecom,
It is with some irritation (yet no suprise) that I find it necessary to write to you today to heap scorn and derision on you. I have requested a telephone line with ADSL enabled, a request one would think is realtively simple for the largest telephone provider in the country. Alas, it is not to be. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Some time ago, July last year in fact, my partner went loopy in a spectacular knives-and-destruction bunny boiler sort of way and I was forced to move house rather quickly. I did at that time email and telephone you on several occasions to request the cancellation of the service at my previous address at _____________. I had assumed that this was carried out as I paid the outstanding amount and heard no more of it.
A few weeks ago (yes, half a year later) I was surprised to see an overdue BT bill find me at work. Hats off to your detective work by the way. I was even more surprised to discover the amount of £110. Dutifully and in keeping with the English way, I paid it immediately and sent you another email asking for this service to be transferred to my new address. Additionally, I tactfully pointed out that you had failed to live up to your end of the bargain which was the stopping of telephone service at the old address as per my request.
Imagine my surprise when I received a reply 8 days later (yes, but the 8 day delay is not the surprising part) which informed me that the entire affair was in fact down to my own incompetance and that I had never contacted you in July. This is odd. For many reasons, but I will concentrate on just one. Do you honestly think that I would leave a relationship where my partner had the strength of will to destroy a titanium cased laptop and a closet full of bespoke suits and then forget to have the phone disconnected? Did you think that I would leave it connected so that my ex could happily phone whomever she pleases in whatever country she desires? No, I didn't think you did.
Apology accepted in advance.
So here we are then, as the old saying goes. Some weeks after making the request to have this service transferred to my new address (as I'm evidently still paying handsomely for it) I still can't help but notice the absence of dial tone when picking up my handset. My computer gets the digital equivalent when I plug the DSL router in.
Were this 1684 I wouldn't find this so troubling, in fact I would look quite silly picking up a device that didn't yet exist and holding it to my ear in a vain attempt to contact my mother in Australia, a country yet to be discovered at that point. However this is 2005 and the relatively simple task of connecting a phone line to a house that has previously had such a service is a simple one. I know this with certainty because I am a network engineer who speaks with telephone engineers on a daily basis (yes, I know, your pity is noted).
I put it to you then that you have been disturbingly incompetent in this matter. If I have to endure the grating awfulness that is Jeremy Clarkson harping on about your greatness and fabulousness at every television ad break you should surely at least pay lip service to the idea of living up to something approximating your claims.
I don't feel my request is unreasonable. A simple telephone line with DSL connected. If I don't find at least a dial tone by the end of the week I shall make it my lifes mission to aggressively defecate on the front door of every god awful prison block look-a-like BT building I can find.
Kind regards,
Jason Noiles
